Bursted bubble

I keep thinking I am doing swell or even remotely better but although I won't say that I am worse I have not moved at all.
Everything triggers some chain reaction where I make mountains out of molehills. I see a face that looks like yours and my heart races. I see you and I lose focus.
I can't study,think clearly.I begin to get anxious and I want to smoke. I fidget, pull at the strings in my skirt.I uncap and recap the highlighter. I twist around in my chair and stretch and stress and breathe slowly to 6. Inhale,hold,exhale, release.

My heart races and I play music that keeps up with the tempo. Still fidgeting. I go through scenes in my head and replay them over and over. The point at which you said "hey", the point I came through the doors and saw you there, involved in YOUR work.This makes no sense. I have so much other things I could be doing. I got bored with yoga already and I am by no means a master. I am bored with myself. I know this to be true because there was nothing ever really there. But I created something, which is hard to destroy. So in response I withdraw. Into that place where sulk and melancholy go to sip coffee and talk over biscuits.

I play the "nobody gets me" (but you) card. Wrong hand to draw. I should have dealt the "Who,oh yeh, that guy.I completely forgot about him" or the "I am so wonderful, me,me, amazing me" card.

Its worse when I have let others see my weakness and my plight.They delight in it, in the fact that they are the strong one momentarily. They get to play shoulder-to-lean-on person and give the stupid advice-"you have so much going on for you, you are smart,pretty, great personality and he's not worth it." They never are. If I'm so wonderful what is the frickin' deal here?

Everyone else seems to be getting along just fine. Then I spilt my bubble tea (literally).

Open classified

I'd like to graduate from high school already.Can we leave it all behind.
Progress.
To forego all the cliques and "it" crowds and "cool" clubs.
Non-judgemental.
I'd love to meet some thinkers already, and anyone a little more curious than going to the discotheque and to the "movies".
Spontaneous.
Is there anyone without their nose turned up, with any remote sense of understanding of what it means to be a human being- nothing more, nothing less? Another creature meant to roam, wander and procreate like a gander. :)

Anyone with some sense of adventure, who would like to go squish grapes between their toes maybe, or go to the beach at 2 am. Or teach me how to swim in a vast ocean.An honest person. A genuine person. A primate into crossword puzzles not sudoku.
You.

We all end up the same.
Some humans are into money. Some are into saving Mother Nature. Others want to be idolized and be infront of the wheel. Whatever makes you perceive that you are in control and made a difference in your two minutes of existence. Women have their looks, men have their machines. I have a big fucking useless crap of a heart.
Vapid.

Me, I just wanted some idiot kids and an idiot companion to pinch and feed eclairs to these idiot kids with. I maybe wanted to put them into little cages, and feed them candy all day.
Hansel.

Or maybe I will train an army, and have lots of bloodshed, while conquering the world. To have my bust in a museum someday.
On a side note, how ridiculous are the times we are living in now, where there is still nothing really to fight for,but we are always at war. We are so close and interconnected but there is still distance,poverty and useless bloodshed. Our heroes stem from the television.We segregate ourselves in tiny little boxes called houses.
There are no longer public jousts and gatherings where we can all watch and be entertained. No more beheadings.What are we supposedly evolving to?

Attempts at rebus

But sometimes,I can't help it, because you are such a

Peace

I had a most beautiful experience today connecting with myself in a way that I was unaware of. I went to yoga.
This particular type was Bikram yoga, which focused on strength training and body alignment in a heated room. Maybe I was dehydrated or exhausted but it had been clear to me that my whole body and life was filled with impurities and needed cleansing and purging. For that brief 2 hours I felt so much ease, and nothing in the world mattered except my peace,strength and then secondly the harmony of those around me.

Now I know this sounds like a bunch of poppy-cock, maybe even new- agey, but it felt very spiritual. I left feeling focused and I hope to maintain this. Really I do.
It was a gift I gave to myself that no one (besides the yogi) could take away from me. I imagine this is the elation childbearing must be like- you produced and for lack of a better word secreted something wonderful.

I am not sure how and why it felt so good. I have been to the gym before and it just seemed like a series of stretches. After yoga,I feel more equipped to handle stressful situations and to problem solve. I had put a few things into perspective. Life is actually good.Things are not as bad as they seem. Current woes will be stories tomorrow, just fables. I feel pleasant, and even though there are still some glitches that I can't solve with a few excercises, my mind feels not only willing to take them on, but less cluttered.

There is so much one can push themself to undertake with a stronger body,spirit and mind and even if this is just for today, what an amazing feeling it was.

Goodnight to all.

Praying mantis

In a constant state of ennui. I'd rather have rosacea or cake.
Doesn't matter what you have when you begin to vanish and cease to exist.
What do I have? Opportunity. Which is stagnant without drive and desire. The air is residual, the one that I have been breathing and continue to breathe. I should have suffocated on carbon monoxide by now.I must have used a thinly perforated bag. Too small to notice, but just enough to keep me alive. The living dead or zombies are akin to what I am.
walk

eat

breathe

eat brains and the like.
Maybe a parasite.

Is it possible to try and try and try again and not succeed? We are taught that if you put in the work and do long hours you will bear fruit and the results will be marvellous. 18 yrs x 16 hrs = ~ 105,120 hrs

My orchard bears sour fruit.

Safety pin.

Just so you know,, this stoppped being fun a long time ago. Even though you find replacements, nothing is as good as the original.Even though there are 26 letters in the alphabet the combination of words that you can get is so mind boggling that my mind has quit.I am also right hand dominant. It chooses to type the letters it wants to type before the left hand does. Makes me feel dyslexic sometimes. But is always greater than never greater than sometimes? If that is so, then I HAVE LOST.

This is no longer fair. Oh the predicaments. I'll go read. Maybe I am holding it all together by a safety pin.
Addendum

Splay vs. Spew - two different words that have similar connotations but evoke completely different meanings and thoughts. I can feel the difference. Oh the verbiage! Nightime brings its own thoughts,words,deeds.

Quality control

Everything is not perfect. I am not perfect. Things aren't working out perfectly.

Why does this make me feel defeated? Fighting a battle I was destined to lose.

Butterflies have a short lifespan

My next mission is to learn basic html code, and figure out how to link/ upload songs to this biznitch. In the meantime, you just have to read it and hum in your head.

Beautiful Disaster by 311

Today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two
The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue
I try to be not like that but some people really suck
Some people need to get the axing, chalk it up to bad luck

I know a drugstore cowgirl so afraid of getting bored
She's always running from something so many things ignored
I might do that stuff if it didn't make me feel like shit
I'm on some old reality tip so many trips in it

Beautiful disaster
Flyin' down the street again
I tried to keep up
You wore me out and left me ate up
Now I wish you all the luck
You're a butterfly in the wind without a care
A pretty train crash to me and I can't care
I do I don't whatever

I decided to eliminate the last verse when it stopped being applicable. I am trying to understand what it must be like going through life with only superficial connections to the ones around you.If the individual misses out on that bond,that connection which I assumed human beings strive to ultimately create. Will they ever slow down to notice? Are they so caught up in their activities to care? People for entertainment, or to keep your life amusing and busy is not such a novel idea. Is that not what actors and performers do. In this case, you are the unwilling participant in the person's parade, disco-themed party.In the end does the person lack depth and meaning in their life? Possible benefits would be not getting attached to anyone, possibly preventing uneccesary baggage or hurt. But is that not apart of being human or at least being able to show empathy? It must be nice, being preoccupied with yourself, better that being preoccupied with others.

Silly humans, with greater desires than food,shelter and sex.

Hottest Cartoon Heroes/ Villains

Lists..Yummy! Top ten, in ascending order of hotness. Who says cartoon characters aren't delicious. Besides, real men don't have any powers.

1) Tuxedo Mask of Sailor Moon fame. He was mysterious, well-dressed and mannerable. Can't beat that. The type you can take home to mom or to the opera. Always leaves a red rose.



2) Drakken of KimPossible. So you're saying you DON'T like your men blue and with a scar? What a thug. Clever and maniacal but clumsy. He has devised an evil way to my heart.*sigh* Always practices proper lab safety with his black latex gloves and keeps his hair back in a ponytail. Now if I could only get him to wear a face mask.



3)Freakazoid. I told you, something about blue men in tiny red suits drives me nuts. Except for Papa Smurf. Not only is he a boy-genius, he is funny too!I'm a sucker for jokes. HINT HINT boys.I think he might be underage though.



4)Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe. Not mentioning the blue-thing again, but it's his mask. So forbidden and deviant. His mission( as every other villain) to rule the world. What ambition! So he has a creepy voice, but with a little wine...



5)Race Bannon- Johnny Quest. This guy. The older protective type. If I had outside kids, I am sure he would make a good father. Always looking out for Johnny, and the brains and braun of the operation. Ok, so its just his sexy white hair ok! Red is such a good color for him.



6)Phantom aka the Ghost who walks, Defenders of the Earth. Give me the power of ten tigerrrrs...Purr. Do I need to say more. This guy is packing and was also a great dad to some two-bit daughter of his. Imagine getting it on in the Jungle. Such an animal that Phantom. He must be really nimble, all those vines and agility he displays.Do you see that stance.Got to admit, you do feel a little intimidated.



7)Superfriends No, not all the superfriends are hot. But I decided to lump Batman and Superman together because I just couldn't decide between the two and I'm greedy. One has toys, the other can undress me with his eyes. We could evenmake out in the night sky. Hmm, maybe Superman wins. Making out in a cave full of bats does not sound like a good time. But he does live in New York, but then again he is wayyy too close to Robin. Apache Chief not looking too bad himself, and Aquaman...



8)Lion-O. Thunder, thunder, thunder down belooooww..I mean, thundercats are hoes! Oh whatever. Do you see the head of hair on this guy? He must use good shampoo products. A natural born leader with prophetic abilities. He would be able to sense any danger coming my way, and rescure me. All else fails, Panthro was hot too. Needless to say, he works out in the gym regularly. I wish he would do something about those horrible tan lines.



9)He-Man - Master (bator) of the Universe. So apparently I am getting slack for this, because Prince Adam/He-man is supposedly gay. Whatever. SO he has a lame hair cut, and rides around on a green tiger but he is half-man and half-god and I can't say that about everybody. Doing royalty. Show me the money. I think he is packing too. No fancy armors or gadgets. Just big guns (biceps) and an awesome sword that is a clear indicator of the love below.



10)Gambit from X-men. This Cajun sensation is beyond hot. He loves the ladies and the ladies love him. So he has a gambling problem and throws explosive cards at people once in a while, and his eyes are a creepy red- but that accent! That charm! If only I were as lucky or hot as Rogue. He is the sexiest cartoon man alive and he plays a good game. Now if you are still in denial, just think about the fingers he left free in his gloves.



Other mentionables: Jayce and the Wheeled warriors, Space Ghost, Captain Planet (for you sensitive girls).

The napkin

I returned home today to something most unsettling.
Everything seemed in order and I noticed nothing.

I settled into my usual routine, derobing, wonderiing what goodies to eat for dinner (turned out to be pepperoni pizza and pistachio baklava). Nothing exciting here, just more work to do.
I descended to my desk,booted my computer and as I began to attempt to make notes for a shitty exam coming up, my special blue ink pen with the super soft grip was now on my window ledge. I thought nothing of it.

Not feeling in the mood for work, I descended to my unmade bed where I found this...


So I asked my roommate if she left me a note. She replied, "No,what note?" I picked it up from my sheets and upon closer inspection of what was MY Dunkin Donuts napkin, that I left nearby my desk, being that I am too lazy to go to the kitchen sometimes, written in an all too familiar blue ink it read:

DON'T KEEP ANYTHING UNDER THE A/C

THANKS CARL
SUPER

Now I don't know about you, but this made me feel quite uncomfortable. Yes, I did know that there was plans to change our filters but I'd assumed I would have been there. And sure enough, Carl took the liberty of removing my duffel bag and printer from under the air-conditioning unit. Suddenly, I had eerie thoughts of Carl rumaging through my chest of drawers examining my undergarments, sniffing the crotch- naturally the first thought that comes to mind. I wondered if he took anything? If he thought I kept my room neat or tidy? How dirty were my A/C filters? Why couldn't I place things underneath (I did move my printer back under)? What does he think of all the dust bunnies? Were my panty choices pleasing to him?
How does my crotch smell?

Comic strip

Love and Loss

Either Way I lose by Nina Simone

If I stay, I know I'm that I'm gonna share your love and that I couldn't take. And if I go, we'll be apart and I know my heart would surely break. So, what
difference does it make, which one I choose? Either way I lose.

Though I know, my love is true. I'd die if you ever told me good-bye. Ever told
me good-bye. And I know, she loves you too. She would do, the same as I. What
difference does it make, which one I choose? Either way I lose. Either way I
lose. Either way I lose.


This song brings back memories of my Dad as it played in the household growing up. It never made sense to me then as a child. But I sung it whole heartedly word for word. I sang it today in a whole different light, understanding and feeling the essence. I also don't grasp the comment about "better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all." Not sure which is the greater of the two evils. Loss is integrated into the act of loving, as you lose part of yourself to do so. At times you lose your pride, othertimes your temper. Whatever the chemicals dictate.

Unrelated- why did it rain so much today and will continue to do so. I don't want to hear because the clouds were saturated and we have a storm front either! I resembled a wet rodent.

Weird Words

Now that I am a post-whore (see Jun 4, or whenever the multiple day post was), here are a few unusual words I came across. Don't expect me to define them for you, I am not a goddamn dictionary.

Perhaps a thesarus.

1)abecedarian
2)sesquipedalian
3)esculent
4)Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia - just check today's date!
5)chinophobia - recently acquired :)

T-shirts

Now that I have decided I need a change of scenery and have been browsing the net like a maniac, I came across a great T-shirt online store. Needless to mention out of the plethora of T-shirt sites out there, from customizing your own (which unless you are me can't be any good) to so-called vintage sites, I finally found a shirt or two that I may just have to purchase. The first one hits so close to home, or school rather.







I will withhold this weblink, but other decent stores to check if you haven't yet:

-neighborhoodies.com
-threadless.com (has a neat Darth Vader doing gardening!)
-nerdyshirts.com
-tshirthell.com (wonderfully offensive)
-cottonfactory.com ( look for adopt a ninja, or the wondrfully racist please don't eat me...)

Fun with Pshop

I forgot how much interest I used to have creating, besides fixing peg laterals were never my thing. A little rough in presentation, but it sure beats what I have been doing recently.

In other words

"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving..."

Albert Einstein, The World As I see it.

SELFISH:egocentric, egoistic, egoistical, egomaniacal, egotistic, egotistical, mean, mercenary, miserly, narcissistic, narrow, narrow-minded, parsimonious, prejudiced, self-centered, self-indulgent, self-interested, self-seeking, stingy, ungenerous

INCONSIDERATE:boorish, brash, careless, discourteous, hasty, impolite, incautious, indelicate, intolerant, reckless, rude, self-centered, selfish, sharp, short, tactless, thoughtless, unceremonious, uncharitable, ungracious, unkind, unthinking

SELFLESS: affectionate, altruistic, amicable, benevolent, charitable, compassionate, comprehending, comradely, cordial, disinterested, forgiving, fraternal, generous, humane, intimate, kindly, neighborly, personal, philanthropic, solicitous, sympathetic, tender, understanding


BEGUILE:betray, bluff, burn, cheat, chisel, con, deceive, delude, diddle, double-cross, dupe, entice, exploit, finesse, flimflam, gyp, have, hoodwink, impose on, jockey, juggle, lure, manipulate, mislead, play, rook, rope in, scam, screw, seduce, shave, snow, stick, string along, suck in, take, take in, trick

WONDERFUL:admirable, amazing, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring, awesome, brilliant, cool, divine, enjoyable, excellent, extraordinary, fabulous, fantastic, groovy, incredible, magnificent, marvelous,outstanding, peachy, phenomenal, pleasant, pleasing, prime, remarkable, sensational, something else, staggering, startling, strange, stupendous, super, superb, surprising, swell, terrific, tremendous, unheard-of, wondrous


REGRET:affliction, anguish, annoyance, apologies, apology, bitterness, care, compunction, concern, conscience, contrition, demur, disappointment, discomfort, dissatisfaction, dole, grief, heartache, heartbreak, lamentation, misgiving, nostalgia, pang, penitence, qualm, regretfulness, remorse, repentance, ruefulness, scruple, self-accusation, self-condemnation, self-disgust, self-reproach, sorrow, uneasiness, woe, worry

EXULT:be delighted, be elated, be happy, be jubilant, be overjoyed, celebrate, cheer, jubilate, make merry, rejoice

Quotes

1)There are too many people, and too few human beings.
-- Robert Zend

2)Every time I try to define a perfectly stable person, I am appalled by the
dullness of that person.
-- J.D. Griffin

3)There is a pleasure sure / In being mad, which none but madmen know.
-- John Dryden, _The Spanish Friar_, II, i

4)We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become
disguised to ourselves.
-- La Rochefoucauld

...from here

Of course it's 4:47 am. What other time of night would it be.

Whirring vent of the fan. Navy to royal blue skies.
Read all the labels. Anything to keep the mind not at a standstill, which would allow me to run away with my irrational thoughts; because I love to do so.

Sans sucrose
Sans alcool

Perfect for bridal & other special occasions
decoraciones como cuero
8 fl. oz. (226.8 ml)

anything to take my mind somewhere else.

But even reading brings its own set of memories.
On Off. Presorted standard US postage PAID.
We'll eventually get bored. Security feature:banded cap. You can't always get what you want in this life. I can't give you what you want.

I perhaps am a bit preoccupied.It is after all 5:05 am.