Conversation

You says:
i feel like that
You says:
i was watching this movie
You says:
Prozac Nation
You says:
with boyfriend
You says:
and christina ricci was this depressed girl
You says:
and i was so scared because i could understand how she felt
You says:
and i didnt want to tell boyfriend
You says:
you there
You says:
i feel like i'm not good at anything, i tried to take up drawing again andi feel like i just lost whatever little talent i had
You says:
i dont have any hobbies
You says:
i just read, and i barely even do that
You says:
a big fat lump
You says:
waste of space
You says:
at least you'll have a career
Me says:
sorry
Me says:
i just can't get it together today
Me says:
my eyes n head hurts
Me says:
and i feel sick
You says:
well we must be on some kind of similar path
You says:
i started out fine, i was ok on he way to work
You says:
started reading a book onthe cinema yesterday and liked it so i brought it with me
You says:
i cant get through one page
You says:
i had the whole day planned...
You says:
sigh
You says:
did anything in particular happen
You says:
?
You says:
to trigger yours
You says:
and sick how
You says:
like literally sick
Me says:
sorry
Me says:
I just wrote my mother the worst email
You says:
what about
Me says:
and I know she is going to try n call
Me says:
but I turned off my phone
Me says:
how sad I am
Me says:
its driving me crazy
Me says:
i can't keep going like this
Me says:
every night i think of dying this past week
You says:
what did you say to her specifically
Me says:
how i hate the way my life turned out
Me says:
her marriage makes me sad
Me says:
My sister makes me sad
Me says:
my confidence is shot
Me says:
but, i don't want her to worry
You says:
you see though, you can't let that get to you, re: your sister, etc
You says:
i get sad when i think of my father
You says:
how its goin to be when he gets older
You says:
and then i am in no position to take carfe of him
Me says:
i don't know if i care to take care of them
You says:
but then, i am big fat mess myself
You says:
so i need to think abou tthat first and foremost
You says:
as much as i love them
Me says:
well i think all these thhings conribute to my being a mess
You says:
my parents are a big part of why i am a big fat mess at this stage of life
Me says:
i wish i had a "sister" to talk n hang with
Me says:
i wish my dad did not require me to explain myself all the time
Me says:
and gaveme no voice of my own
Me says:
i feel hopeless
Me says:
and I miss el nino a lot and it is driving me crazy
Me says:
my head hurts and i can't study
Me says:
and i want to die
You says:
its jsut weird ghow the grass is always greener
You says:
i'm here thinknig how i'd much rather trade places with u right now
You says:
i hate this place so much
You says:
hate it
You says:
i hate the people, i just hate my surroundings
Me says:
i know
You says:
and i cant get out of it because of money
You says:
then i cant find any career path to take
You says:
cause there's nothing i feel passionate about
Me says:
sometimes i think you don't love me either, and its only b/c of memories
You says:
oh please you dummy
You says:
i love you always
You says:
that is another thing i hate
You says:
i hate that i didnt get to hang out with you and do fun crazy stuff for the better part of my 20's
You says:
its just not fair
You says:
i act liek this big cynic when i talk about “lisa” dem
You says:
but i'm really jsut jealous that they get to still be around each other
You says:
and they have all these shared memories
Me says:
i dunno anymore friend
You says:
i spend all day lookin at other people living their lives
Me says:
i know, and i am handicapped
You says:
i just dont know how this happened
Me says:
me either
Me says:
i remember feeling like i had so much potential
You says:
yup
You says:
sometimes i still do
You says:
feel that way
Me says:
i don't care anymore
Me says:
i don't believe in me
Me says:
and i want it to end
Me says:
its hard to block out the voices
You says:
i started smokin cigs again on my lunch break
You says:
not everyday, i've had the same pack for about 3 wks now
Me says:
that's fine
Me says:
i am doing the same
You says:
its the self destruction
Me says:
i know
You says:
i know its bad, it certainly doesnt make me feel any better after
You says:
i just developed this sick habit of i dunno, prefering to wallow in my misery
Me says:
its me too
You says:
alot of people don't, they dont like feeling sad, so they make the effort to feel better
Me says:
i must deprive myself of all that is good
You says:
me, its like i dont even care, i just want to feel worse
Me says:
i know
Me says:
if i have a bad day and i want to lock up in my room to mope
Me says:
“Hannah” doesn't get it
You says:
noone gets it
Me says:
she is like y u want to feel bad, nobody likes feeling bad
You says:
unless tehy feel the same way
You says:
they even had a scene like that in that movie
You says:
cause yuo could hear her inner monologue
You says:
and her friend was crying and lookin at her cause she wanted to help
You says:
and she was just tihnking, poor thing, you just dont even get it
Me says:
i hate those i want to help pple
You says:
she just knew what she was doing, but she had no control
Me says:
they get in the way of moping
You says:
and thats how i feel sometimes
You says:
and they just trying to be rational
Me says:
i want to reach out n burst sometimes
You says:
trying to find a logical solution to something illogical
You says:
its scary, cause i try to tell myself
You says:
i cant control my environment
You says:
or other people
You says:
but i can control my mind
Me says:
true
You says:
but i feel like i cant even do taht!
You says:
and it is scary
Me says:
its bad b/c hearing you talk like this i should have some instinct ot try n help you
Me says:
but i just nod, n say yes
You says:
and i do the same
Me says:
not that i want you tostay this way
You says:
i try to help you when you get really down, but sometimes i feel like, who are you to give anyone advice when you dont even take it yourself
You says:
you= me
Me says:
i know,sheesh
You says:
and i feel like if i could sort out the career thing and just have something to focus on
You says:
i dont know if i should be studying no mental health thing
You says:
i just goin apply it to myself and prob just drive myself crazier
Me says:
i hate when i get like this b/c the "Real world" demands i prepare for my exam tomorrow
Me says:
but i am stuck right now
You says:
i still havent even opened that bank account
You says:
i dont even know why
You says:
its just like, i just havent done it
You says:
i feel no innate urge to do anything, i only make to do lists of things i think i should do
Me says:
yup. b/c i guess they would make life easier
You says:
yup
You says:
so i write down activities to check out, musuems to go to
You says:
but i never go
You says:
or do any of them
You says:
never follow through
Me says:
my head hurts
You says:
you goin be on for a while, i just goin on the rd to get lunch and come back
Me says:
i guess..i will go lay down
You says:
alrite, i'll be back soon
You says:
and don't ever think that i dont love you again!
You says:
yea, back
You says:
lol
You says:
oh the irony
You says:
i was listening to radio online
You says:
and the song that just came on is "Everybody Cheer Up Song" by some band namd Dosh
You says:
btw, what the fuck

A Happy Death

In some sense, my life has now become an open book and I must say these past few chapters have been progressively dull. I had hoped 2007 would bring some change,not because it's a fresh start but being that I was determined to have a more positive outlook on life.

Now about this positive outlook. I've tried to take it on several times before, it just didn't stick.I keep concluding that it's something you were born with or not. I have a fairly good photographic memory of sorts and recall many details of my youth, unneccesarily so. From what I recall I have always been perverted, odd and for the most part dissatisfied- even from age 8. I recall having bouts of wanting something more, or believing I was a psychic, in touch with the heavens and destined for greatness. And that could all be childhood naivete, but a part of me wants to believe this is still true.

Is this what I must amount to? My former self asks. A lonesome noone, fulfilling someone else's dreams of being a contribution to society and all that academia has to offer. Vomit.I have become bored with this, and my alternate options seem none the more satisfying. I quite often lament on my lack of drive and passion until my whole existence is filled with apathy. Pointless this, Why that, life sucks and other seemingly teenage rants. Just suck it up and go on! But here I am nevertheless.

I tend to think on all the people that have helped raise me and invested all their time in my well being and I feel some pressure not to let them down. They expect this success from me (according to the world standard) or at least follow in some kind of path similar to theirs- marry,kids,career,blah blah blah. Is now the time to tell them I stopped believing in Jesus, I would love to try anal sex one day and I have no intention of returning home? Some things are better left unsaid.

I am left feeling numb most days which makes me wonder if I have tendencies of a sociopath. A little ( Ok a lot) antisocial, very unmoved and untouched by my surroundings, and so self-obsessed with my own feelings. I find it hard to sympathize with others lately, although I believe I understand their distress. The wars and famines of the world, the tears of my own friends and family moves me none. I have ill relatives that I refuse to call. I hate being in the hospital and around the elderly. Let's just say I am not very personable, although I find them somewhat intriguing and could spend hours in observation. It concerns me that I could think of inflicting harm on others and not find it disturbing- not only in the physical sense. I find most people and their company boring and it leaves me feeling disappointed.

I listen and talk to my mother and it makes me not want to age. I feel bad for her at times, and wished that she had a more fulfilling, exciting life besides working hard (and I mean struggling) to put me through many a good school and give me a comfortable life. She was and still is quite stunning and I remember when I used to think the world of her, even up until I was about 21.I don't want to get to her age and be in an unhappy marriage, with ungrateful and selfish children who perhaps won't come to visit you in the nursing home that they'll put you in. And that is life?

The depression comes and goes these days. Sometimes I still feel like committing suicide- not so much because I feel down, but more because things seem unimportant and useless- not hopeless. I don't care enough to try and get this "thing I want" because afterall I am not sure what that is. I could fleet around being a butcher for a few days, then a toymaker the next. I dream of travelling from place to place, leaving no trails behind. Adventures with many men, including boozed up-drug filled nights. Sailing,gambling,wearing all black at funerals of past lovers. What should hinder me? Money,routine,testicles.And so, I read books. I used to think I should do something with my imagination but with so many people to go around, I won't be missed any. I am not that special, and neither is anyone else. It's what life is to me is what's important and currently it's neither here nor there.

I spend half to all of my days wondering what went wrong. With the people I used to keep in touch with, the fun I used to have. The single time I have felt recently somewhat alive and concerned with the world of the living was unfortunately through a man. And it seems like the gods above have fated me for a life of misery, because this man is also now removed from my life which only adds to the stagnant waters I have been swimming in. With him,I had begun to seek out fresh wonders of the world, new foods, new activities and the joy one gets from feeling free with a kindred soul. Of course these sneaky gods have always cast me as the other woman.

Nowadays, I feel like an object, just a vessel eating and living in order to maintain a level of activity. Just another part of the environment interacting. All these feelings affect my mood no doubt and the pendulum effect can make one dizzy and unsure of oneself. I stare in the mirror and no longer appreciate my own face. I find it somewhat repulsive along with everything I contaminate.The most unsettling question is "Who are you?" And it shocks me everytime I hear myself slowly mouth, "I don't know." Small talk begins to become a pain as I believe I have nothing to say, although I was never one to talk just to fill the silence. What is it that people have to keep talking about in the sordid repetition of their daily lives?

I am currently reading "A Happy Death" by Albert Camus, I can only wish that I too have one even if the life that led up to it may not have been. At some point I hope to be content, in knowing that the world too is a chaotic off-balanced place and that somewhere along the line I had a fine time and will leave a pleasant aftertaste in the lips of the men that feasted on me.

Angst

I'm restless today. It's the kind of restlessness that would make you kill a man without hesitation. The kind where if the sun hits you just right, all sorts of unimaginable atrocities may occur. The type that leads you to self-mutilation and destruction.
I smoke a cigarette. I stare at the endless white ceiling and try to keep placid. But this restless has formed a life of its own inside of me. It started as a gentle gnaw of procrastination, and now is an adult-sized mammal ready to roam.I am aware of all the duties that I am disregarding today, which will only lead to a bigger to-do-list later on. My head screams and my body rebels, and the agitation becomes unbearable.