fleeting cheer

I have been thinking some radical or maybe not so radical new thoughts which stems from the idea of liberating myself from fear, and not being respectful of my being or the creator of the amazing wonderfulness that I and you - the reader, possess. It is amazing and wonderful how we all ultimately got here and we all have a full potential to reach. Plants bloom, provide food and shade- we humans destroy, err I mean create and do all this poppy cock nonsense.

Ok, so I was trying a spin at positivity... and wondering why I have not let go of some the fears I cling so closely to, and to try to stop fighting everything, and let things be...to realise that sometimes its ok to be myself and shine and let others bask in my beautiful glow..do you feel the warmth...

Random thought. I really want to say this to someone, but I will type it b/c I will never say it to their face, b/c they will think I am lying: "I am not in love with you, but the person that you represent. You could be anybody."

I was trying to make a list of things I wanted to do/ change, then I started to feel new year's resolutionish and decided a list of things I wanted would be way cooler:
1) new sunglasses
2) blotting powder
3) new cell phone
4) casual boots (?)
5) to color my hair (should be #1)
6) more casual clothes from american apparel- although I swore to burn them out

very easy to make a list of things I want. I also want world peace, and black folk to be the dominating race, and to become buddhist for a week/month, no winter, death to certain asians...we'll see

Everyday is dejavu

Wherein do I find the ultimate freedom???

Spring break- not the whoo hoo it used to be- is finally over as quick as it commenced and being back at school makes me naseaus all over again.It's like some crazy illness that is pretty much chronic at this point, with all sorts of pus and inflammatory symptoms. And of course, no one is up at this hour to talk to.Damn you night owl.As a side note, why in the hell do people drink flavored water- why not just drink juice??? It behooves me, as it tastes worse than water,not as refreshing but not as delightful as juice. This vitamin water craze, and propel water needs to be terminated!!!

I will tell you what else is behooving, me going on more internet dates,me not being able to connect with these creatures, and finding it so hard to do something I enjoy, with someone I like in this god forsaken city. There are days I feel no better than a paraplegic or wouldn't mind getting my food in a tube, on a bed, doing nothing.How different would that be from my current situation.

I just want to enjoy late nights, with wine,Cat power,the Dears or Pornographers and beautiful darkness and hold the garlic. I also want to know, why in the hell when you meet people you have not seen in a while, and YOU BOTH know that you have no intention of being in touch- exchange numbers and make a plan to hang out sometime- it is never gonna happen, and I am ok with just saying,"well take care, it was nice to see you." HATE IT.

I can truly say, the most amusing thing that has happened to me lately, was to watch a woman try to retrieve her umbrella, on our past rainy day, that was stuck in a hole under a bench, where she laid it to drip.

The bed calleth I suppose.

Herein lies the madness

Ok. so it is 5 hrs left to the commencement of my first exam for the 7 credit course titled "Organ Systems." Yes, I would shudder too. Point of the matter being that I already had an exam today,yesterday whatever you want to call it, in addition to a practical. I know I am dead tired, but I am up daydreaming of course- about sweet nothings whispered into my "y"ear...sorry guys inside joke, and I hate when people do that.

Sha Sha Sha..worse yet, I have spring break as of this week and I am the only lame-o in my class not going anywhere. Hello spring break in dental school and I am not maximising. My plans consist maybe of a new haircolor, a few drinks but no warmth, no bikini and no snuggle bunnies. Grrr.

Well I do need to get some shut eye- so a few songs, old and new in heavy rotation:

She wants revenge- tear you apart
Stereolab- Ping Pong
Super Drag- Drugs
Third Eye Blind- Deep inside of you.....let's leave it at that!

Rhythym of the night

Creature of the night, is what I am. After all, I was born at 3am..or so my mother says.I love staying up late, in the stillness of the night. I feel like the world belongs to me, and it is my own. It embraces me,calms me and frightens me.
The freaks come out at night;I love the night life;Lonely is the night;reggae nights;;;;
And I realise more each day, that I am becoming somewhat of an empty vessel. Man-like, is what I have been describing it as.Very vapid,cold-hearted and nonchalant. In a way, I like being emotionally uninvolved, but then I wonder what does that say about me. My inability to empathise does not necessarily mean that I am a stronger person or that I am incapable of feeling pain.Or maybe I am getting older with experience, and am handling my situations better. Cyclic life this is.

I just told my friend to "decline nicely,and then walk away" in response to the apple of her eye being all in her face, although he is not interested in her. Now, taking my own opinion would be lovely. But there is something about his touch, and firm grip, bah...because this one REALLY cares this time, and really likes me for me...and oh, aren't they all the same. Get him out the head I say,don't give him the power..and all the typical girl b.s. we tell ourselves. But as being dettached is my new thing..I'm seeing where it takes me. But Paro Pansy that I am just wishes he would say hello goddamit!

In other news, 3 cups of coffee and a red bull with no real food just might make you shit your intestines!!