From the 5th storey

I am fighting really hard to remain alive.

Armamentarium:
- 10 Litres of tears
- Sleep aids
- 1 semi-best friend
- shitload of distractions
- High Caloric foods
- Sunlight
- Pitchers of alcohol or tokes of weed, cartons of cigarettes

Instructions:

1)Once depressed, call semi-friend and moan and weep.
2)After s/he is exhausted, go to your cabinet/stash and load up on food or alcohol
3)When feelings of belligerence set in, cry alot and attempt to go to sleep
4)When sleep fails, take sleep aids
5)Wake in the morning early, bask in the sunlight
6)Pretend to make it through the day with your several distractions
7)Repeat as needed

To all the men I'd love before...

Angry that I am so vulnerable, that I let you affect my emotional stability. Enraged that you were an authoritarian and stifled my ideas and esteem. Upset because you could not keep your promises to me,and something else was more important.

Disappointed in me, for letting the men in my life shape me into what they wanted or needed me to be - the fall-back woman,the crotch for you to fuck, obedient subservient daughter, passive-agressive and dependent.

Stuck in the middle

With a dry mouth and a racing heart, I strive to let you know how the very thought of you brings me to a complete shutdown. Brain cells cease to fire,my muscles cannot twitch.Interestingly, the brim of my lids are filled with salty secretions of tears.Some parts of me still work.

I'm obviously in limbo/purgatory. Stuck in a place above the dark hell of loneliness, but not quite at the bountiful joy that is companionship. I sell myself short every time, clutching at straws, grasping with the primitive palmar reaction.

I want to care for and be cared for.Simple human pleasures. Does being human give an excuse or make it OK to be the way you are- a tragic flaw. Can I convince you that you are making a mistake. Or do I need the convincing?

~~~~~