P is for pondering

Now,is it possible to live your whole live as a delusion? Yes. Is that the key to living, that "every little thing, is gonna be alright" or perhaps "everything happens for a reason." From the seemingly pointlessness of mosquitoes to the grandiose and vain idea of self-worth.

But what if you are not good at being delusional? And those times when everything seems so perfect and seems to make sense, are those moments of confusion? The people, who sit and gather daily with their ever so loving friends, who share with them their lives out of earnestness and not out of the fear of loneliness, is that too disillusionment. Or the married couple with children who have stop discovering each other and changing but somehow feel life is fulfilling and meaningful; do they not feel cheated?

I feel a sense of falsehood.Not that I am being fake, but partly so because there is so much about self and behavior I do not understand. I want to believe in those people that find their passion and true calling, who so freely say "this is what I was born for." Is life just about accepting what is there without probable explanation. Of course, the age old question never gets answered.

"Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion..."

zzzz

Finally some tears, now with occasional brain zaps and loss of focus.

"...That you refuse to fade away
I hide to stay the same
Where do we go from here
I don't know.
For me you flower to be chosen
I fall down to be noticed
Where do we go from here
I don't know...

It was a time
A way of life
The only secrets
We talked about
Were all the fears
In all these years
We spent together..."

-blonde redhead

And today's lesson

1. I am not trying to put you in corner to make a decision
2. Nor,am I being demanding
3.I try to walk away and you try to fish me back in.
4.If I'm not worth the trouble, you should not be worth my time.
5.You won't change if you don't have to, and apparently I'm not listening
6.It's obvious you won't leave,and if you do there would be guilt.
7.Do we really have enough in common?
8.Or is it just a notion, the thrill of an affair
9.I enjoy your companionship
10.But we can't be friends and we can't be lovers

Keywords: trouble

A great idea

Please kill yourself.
I will be temporarily sad, just a moment of pain
But you being alive
and happy
Hurts

The getaway

I can dream of the future but have nightmares of the past.

The beauty of a new day is like rebirth, a chance to once again make things right. I get to pretend I am not being judged, my past actions don't impinge on my current situation. We'll all be close again.

But life got dull again, people began to bore and I resumed drinking. Drink. It's what made me so terrified of looking at my own image, knowing what has been and what may be. Not for self-esteem, or anger or good times, just the sheer monotony of it all. To fuck with my brain and give it some sense of ecstasy and delight. Now my brain enjoys challenges and being fucked and I become transformed.

Falling into a state of neglect