Letting go

"Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn't matter much to me" ~Lennon/McCartney

If I could be an animal, an ostrich would do right just about now. I would bury my head, and forget the world. Maybe even a bear, hibernating until something better and beautiful happens with a fresh start.

I have resented my father most of my life, and prayed fervently that I never marry someone like him. In the same breath I could feign that he was a good father- but everything is relative. Overbearing,overly controlling and anything else that has over as a prefix that was him. So many times I wanted to tell him I hate him, but the damn mentality that he forced upon me in his regime of a home did not allow me to. No freedom, only rules,respect and the utmost obedience.Discipline was the spice of life!

I was never able to voice much of an opinion, which left me shy,uneager to talk up and out, and feeling diminutive. I can almost say there was a fear of him and his heavy hand in anything that I have done. His voice will echo constantly about what I can do and could not do.

It was a relief when he was away at his sporting matches on the weekend, giving me time to bond with mother, or sleep or finally chat long hours on the phone until the bill came.His whole presence could be unsettling- the gruff voice, the harsh tones,the unreasonable behaviour-"my way or the highway or because I said so." Unlike most children I never rebelled. I did as I was told, and suffered for it. I ultimately moved away from home for schooling, just to be away from these nuances.

Now that he is older, he has much forgotten the terror which he had placed upon my life but I am left scarred. It dawned upon me it was my problem not his, as I had my life to live. But there are somethings I just cannot shake. The daily chores of polishing and shining one's shoes everynight, and not getting a spot on the carpet. The constant schooling and no recreational activities that were normal for a child of that age.

What upsets me moreso at this point, after years of not being able to talk to him, after years of being babied and chided- the man decides to get cancer! He gets it, and did not inform me, so I had to hear about it by word of mouth through other relatives. He had surgery with complications and now he has to get chemotherapy. This creature of a man, robbed me of having a decent father- daughter relationship, raised me with insecurities and now wants love and affection. He has not consulted with anyone regarding his treatment or properly discussed the issue at hand all in the name of protecting me. Protecting me from god knows what! He has no idea or clue as to the person I am, my interests or values and now he decides he is going to be ill and not be there for me at my wedding,graduation, purchase of my first home or whatever the heck parents are supposed to be there for.

I feel lonelier than I ever have before. My birthday is less than 2 weeks away. I have no family around me, friends have moved on with their lives or lost touch. I am consumed within a field I have no interest in and I have no one to share life with. Apart of the hermitude, not all by choice. I thought being an adult was about having choices, but still some decisions are inevitably made for me. I will try and forgive this man called Dad, and not be so bitter. I do love him, and he does have a hearty, rosy-cheeked laugh. I have watched him transition from monster,to strong man, to con artist. Pretending to be strong for all of us.

I have never known anyone personally that has passed away, and if this is to be my first, well who is supposed to play music on Sundays loud for the neighbours to hear? Or hustle me into first class seats at the airport? Or give my child their first taste of beer as he did me? I will, I guess.

Dammit Daddy.

Like a raisin in the sun

I once read a mock vintage poster that said," KEEP PLACID,IMMERSE YOURSELF IN WORK."
And truly that is what I have been doing. Amidst the chaos I cannot admit to having found any peace or security, but I merely have been distracted. To the point where I am almost burnt out. I pretended to spiral out of control today-literally. I spun around with outstretched arms in the parking lot of a hospital, singing "whoooo,ooooo...." No one seemed to take notice.

I have certainly been up to much as of late: trying to exercise and feel wholly good and healthy, moving on further into my academic demise/career (however you deem fit) and of course, breaking people's trust.

Now you might say, "Oh what's so novel about that?" But I have been keeping it inside for a while and as inappropriate as it is I am just going to say it- bearing in mind my conscience is off playing in the park now that it's FINALLY warm! So, I have been checking and reading intimate emails of a friend/colleague.

It's terrible because I have taken the liberty of checking it as often as I check my personal email ( which is unhealthily often) or a newsletter I subscribe to. An online soap-opera of sorts. This friend is not in my top tier but more of an acquaintance. What a violation, but I can't stop. I find the details of this person's love affairs so passionate and heartfelt, something that should only be shared between the two parties involved.But there is a familiarity there that resounds, and I suppose until I am bored I may very well keep doing it.

My tendencies to act more feminine and feel soft,delicate and flirty have began to emerge once again. My body may be signaling me that I am very aroused or it may just be the summer heat. Either way, my new hobby of email-reading may be adding fuel to this as I no doubt think about the closeness others are engaging in. I walk around touching things a lot lately, feeling the texture and subtleties of various elements. Pine needles and grass have proven to be a favorite, but facial hair stubble would usurp them at a moment's notice. The former apple of my eye, now turned dried fruit for trail mix pops up as an option now and again- but only to be reminded of Aesop's fox and sour grapes fable.

Such a sour taste.