Letting go

"Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn't matter much to me" ~Lennon/McCartney

If I could be an animal, an ostrich would do right just about now. I would bury my head, and forget the world. Maybe even a bear, hibernating until something better and beautiful happens with a fresh start.

I have resented my father most of my life, and prayed fervently that I never marry someone like him. In the same breath I could feign that he was a good father- but everything is relative. Overbearing,overly controlling and anything else that has over as a prefix that was him. So many times I wanted to tell him I hate him, but the damn mentality that he forced upon me in his regime of a home did not allow me to. No freedom, only rules,respect and the utmost obedience.Discipline was the spice of life!

I was never able to voice much of an opinion, which left me shy,uneager to talk up and out, and feeling diminutive. I can almost say there was a fear of him and his heavy hand in anything that I have done. His voice will echo constantly about what I can do and could not do.

It was a relief when he was away at his sporting matches on the weekend, giving me time to bond with mother, or sleep or finally chat long hours on the phone until the bill came.His whole presence could be unsettling- the gruff voice, the harsh tones,the unreasonable behaviour-"my way or the highway or because I said so." Unlike most children I never rebelled. I did as I was told, and suffered for it. I ultimately moved away from home for schooling, just to be away from these nuances.

Now that he is older, he has much forgotten the terror which he had placed upon my life but I am left scarred. It dawned upon me it was my problem not his, as I had my life to live. But there are somethings I just cannot shake. The daily chores of polishing and shining one's shoes everynight, and not getting a spot on the carpet. The constant schooling and no recreational activities that were normal for a child of that age.

What upsets me moreso at this point, after years of not being able to talk to him, after years of being babied and chided- the man decides to get cancer! He gets it, and did not inform me, so I had to hear about it by word of mouth through other relatives. He had surgery with complications and now he has to get chemotherapy. This creature of a man, robbed me of having a decent father- daughter relationship, raised me with insecurities and now wants love and affection. He has not consulted with anyone regarding his treatment or properly discussed the issue at hand all in the name of protecting me. Protecting me from god knows what! He has no idea or clue as to the person I am, my interests or values and now he decides he is going to be ill and not be there for me at my wedding,graduation, purchase of my first home or whatever the heck parents are supposed to be there for.

I feel lonelier than I ever have before. My birthday is less than 2 weeks away. I have no family around me, friends have moved on with their lives or lost touch. I am consumed within a field I have no interest in and I have no one to share life with. Apart of the hermitude, not all by choice. I thought being an adult was about having choices, but still some decisions are inevitably made for me. I will try and forgive this man called Dad, and not be so bitter. I do love him, and he does have a hearty, rosy-cheeked laugh. I have watched him transition from monster,to strong man, to con artist. Pretending to be strong for all of us.

I have never known anyone personally that has passed away, and if this is to be my first, well who is supposed to play music on Sundays loud for the neighbours to hear? Or hustle me into first class seats at the airport? Or give my child their first taste of beer as he did me? I will, I guess.

Dammit Daddy.