IF I missed the nightly news on Fox, wait a few CBS will air it soon.

I often times ponder why is it that when I watch American news channels in the evening or generally around the same time, they in sync broadcast the same news, running in the same general order. Now I am not an expert at the media runnings, but does every journalist get sent out to the same site whenever something newsworthy occurs? Who is the person that contacts and sees to it that NBC,FOX,ABC etc are all receiving the same information?
Who also determines what becomes news? Apparently this same individual or governing body screens all news and decides on our behalf what we would like to watch and should be informed about. Its not until a whistle-blower or some protest occurs that other areas and interests in the world are given any type of attention. Or until there is some devastating consequence to America the great.
We are fed daily about the morale of the soldiers but not of their abusive acts. The rape and disappearance of young well-to-do white girls but none of other ethnicities that are impoverished. We hear about the wonderful things our government is doing for us and not their neglect.
Who censors satellite radio I wonder. Are there any political outreaches there? Which news media is trustworthy when they fabricate or miscontrue their information to prove their point. Much like scientists who attempt to prove their facts and with bias finds claims to support their discoveries. There is even evidence for Jesus to be the Messiah, after all billions of people can't be worshipping an imaginary deity?
Not to say that there is no truth to the information which we receive any more, but putting one's complete faith in anything sounds like nothing short of naivete.
But I suppose we are creatures born and bred by manipulation.

I have penis envy

First off..ever belched a beer burp through your nostrils, keeping your mouth closed? It burns.

So I began to contemplate why it sucks to be a woman. I may have mentioned it before, and obviously it is such an annoyance that I must mention again.

Getting the overstated things out the way: pregnancy acompanied by stretch marks and morning sickness to have a bastard child growing up to be a criminal, menstruating, emotional rollercoasters you have no control of,whining and complaining, being touchy- feely, indecisive and confused (yes these are general statements) but its the little things that kill:
1) wearing ridiculous stilettos to feel sexy- which I am slowly moving away from. Guys have no idea what a balancing act this is, especially when imbibing. Leaving corns, bunions, swollen red feet- it's just no fun.
2)Getting waxed- now I can't speak for the shavers, but it dawned on me today that I was "skinning out" half naked for a woman who is not my gynaecologist, to go into my nether regions to touch me and remove my pubic hair. Weird.Oh yeh, it is slightly painful too, but then your nerve endings pretty much lose sensation after repetition.
3)Being cat-called and harrassed- It's bad enough that we are expected to be sex symbols and ready to do it whenever and perform superb fellatio, but men seem to think we appreciate the names like "doll", "baby", "hottie","sweet thang","sexy" etc. I could go on, but there are ways to appreciate our beauty without trying to push your erect penis on me while dancing, or slapping my ass or trying to convince me of why I would like to return to your place. I do live somewhere I like and it does not involve your bed.
4) Stereotypes-And if life is not hard enough for the woman, there is a whole host of stereotypes we must attend to, Lack of promotions and respect in the workfield, the idea that we are less superior but must be homemakers, breadwinners and the freaking glue that holds all family structural units together- unless your mom is not #1. Not to mention some jerk keeps feeding us these cinderella stories about white horses and princes and shit like that which are non- existent. We need to revamp the tales we teach our children. For example, snow white should get with the dwarf- short,ugly and with a complex.Typically all my lovers.
5) Household Chores-Did I mention in stereotypes that I must also cook and clean. If you don't like to do it, why in the hell would I? There is no cleaning gene- well maybe, but it does not fall under maternal instincts.
6) On being promiscuous-What else reeks is the idea that I must remain celibate until you lucky devil comes to pluck my forbidden fruit; I am to remain pure and holy until your greatness blesses me with your divine cock. And when we are together I must not flirt nor sleep around bcause then I am a hoe and a cunt. Must we resort to name calling? How is Stacy doing by the way? And Mary-Kate, oh and that Alice girl too?
7)Sucking on Mr.Happy-Speaking of fellatio, unless you are a homosexual, I doubt guys have any idea what the hell it is like having a damn penis shoved down your throat, thumping and pulsing .Let's just say it is more fun for you than it is for us. On that note, we all don't want to be involved in threesomes with other women as hot as you find it. Will you be with another man for me. Because that really turns me on!
So since I don't want to turn this into a man bashing session and talk about how we are bad luck on pirate ships and the cause for the Beatles break-up,maybe I will look into a sex change so I can pee by the tree instead of squatting or having to wait until I reach at a restroom.

Friday night with Stella A.

That's the beauty of the human spirit You can't keep a good man down. And no matter what our challenges we keep trying. And so, I am taking baby steps.Yes, to relearn things I should have already accomplished. But who writes these lists of things you should have mastered once you are twenty-five and other stories books.
So, I am going to attempt to master one thing that makes me less of the god that I am.
That is :speaking up.
I have a real problem with elevating my voice, not that I started out this way. I was actually the loudest in my class in elementary school but something occured along the way, but who knows what it was.Also, that was elementary school.
So for the next few months I will try and not have anyone say "What was that?" or "Come again" or "Please repeat."

In the meantime:
I am enjoying the beer I am having..ha ha. yum. Go Belgium beer.
The song lyrics says "we might as well be strangers"
Other people trip when they walk, not just me

Circles

I can't keep living in the past like this. Holding on to a few moments that I have let shape my future. I grip with dear life, as if I will be nothing without these "traumatic" tales. Tales which I insist on repeating over and over to possibly evoke your interest or your pity. Everyone wants attention and I feel invisible. Who would want such a useless super power. No one can see or acknowledge you. You would be unimportant, you would not exist. Everyone wants to be SUPERMAN or something great. The saviour to us all, the hero, the one who called the cops on the robber. The one who gave the great speech or told the side-splitting joke. The one in the spotlight.

Poor single,lonely girl who hates her career path and has no heart,spirit,grit,fortitude,backbone, balls to pursue that which she wants- when she finally decides what this is.

And no matter how I believe I have changed, I am still the thing that I love to hate. I still want to believe this life or I, am worth something. That there is this great thing to keep alive for that I have to look forward to. But I have been jaded for a while now and concurred that it's the memories I make and the things I accomplish in between that matters. But what have I accomplished? I managed to stay alive, and not be dependent on drugs. I've stayed out of the penitentiary,and have stayed in school up to the soul and pocket-sucking graduate level. I have tried to conduct myself in a favourable,fair and fastidious manner. All importantly, I tried not to lose all self respect. I keep thinking of things I want to do before I die, to motivate me.Sky dive maybe, rock climb on a real mountain. Go rafting, or finally knit that scarf, or play that drum or do that flamenco dance. But as a recluse, I stay in my shell and watch the seconds turn to months and years.

Now why would anyow think these things about themself or life. Life is a gift, so short and wonderful. No one wants to be miserable or spend it that way.

Somedays I still think I'll do these things, just like I may one day actually have children and a husband. I'll also be content. I will figure things out.

For now, I smell and drink jasmine tea and my mind floods with memories.

Innermost thought

You
refuse
to
fade away