Circles

I can't keep living in the past like this. Holding on to a few moments that I have let shape my future. I grip with dear life, as if I will be nothing without these "traumatic" tales. Tales which I insist on repeating over and over to possibly evoke your interest or your pity. Everyone wants attention and I feel invisible. Who would want such a useless super power. No one can see or acknowledge you. You would be unimportant, you would not exist. Everyone wants to be SUPERMAN or something great. The saviour to us all, the hero, the one who called the cops on the robber. The one who gave the great speech or told the side-splitting joke. The one in the spotlight.

Poor single,lonely girl who hates her career path and has no heart,spirit,grit,fortitude,backbone, balls to pursue that which she wants- when she finally decides what this is.

And no matter how I believe I have changed, I am still the thing that I love to hate. I still want to believe this life or I, am worth something. That there is this great thing to keep alive for that I have to look forward to. But I have been jaded for a while now and concurred that it's the memories I make and the things I accomplish in between that matters. But what have I accomplished? I managed to stay alive, and not be dependent on drugs. I've stayed out of the penitentiary,and have stayed in school up to the soul and pocket-sucking graduate level. I have tried to conduct myself in a favourable,fair and fastidious manner. All importantly, I tried not to lose all self respect. I keep thinking of things I want to do before I die, to motivate me.Sky dive maybe, rock climb on a real mountain. Go rafting, or finally knit that scarf, or play that drum or do that flamenco dance. But as a recluse, I stay in my shell and watch the seconds turn to months and years.

Now why would anyow think these things about themself or life. Life is a gift, so short and wonderful. No one wants to be miserable or spend it that way.

Somedays I still think I'll do these things, just like I may one day actually have children and a husband. I'll also be content. I will figure things out.

For now, I smell and drink jasmine tea and my mind floods with memories.