Shorts

The lunch that turned into dinner

You are forty.And pulling out your penis with a plastic ball inserted beneath the skin. For me to touch. In a restaurant, under the table.

So I touched it.Then talked about Russia.

Spent all day drinking

I am that drunk when you are not belligerent. That drunk when you just want to talk and it be OK. You know, that drunk.
So I sent you a message but you did not reply.

I did not take it very well.
Now I'm doing laundry, taking out clothes that are only mine. My choice of detergent,my scents, nothing that belongs to any one else.

All in my head

It seems you are what is called an imaginary friend. One that I had only dreamt of but somehow did exist.My former playmate,companion and confidante, that was once very real is now just vapor.The perfect friend- laughed and comprehended my jovial nature, thoughtful and spontaneous- now obsolete in a space filled with unnecessary people.

Now that I no longer see you,does that infer I have now grown,matured into adulthood and left you behind. Or is it possible dear friend, that you could have left me and found someone new to play with? How supportive you were during my times of stress! Oh how you comforted me, fed me, spoke to me as if I were not losing my sanity! Who will fill your void,dear friend? Am I now independent? It seems you were just a medium for me to express my fears and fantasies but not one to fulfill them.

I imagine dear friend, that I shan't forget you, but you are somewhere in the caverns of my mind. Perchance we should meet again, will you still be my friend even though you or I have changed? Or will we take our separate roads imagining that the other is not there. Its puzzling how something so tangible could be everything but that.

Joke of the day

Q:What does my emotions and an anion have in common?

A:They are both negatively charged

ahaha, no? The chemistry of things requires that in order to be neutral, I need to give up my "atom" to someone who is more positive. Not that I want to bring them down, but merely giving them some negativity that they also need. Opposites attract as people say.

I fear I am not getting any better,just stagnant,putrid and becoming quite insensitive.
Looking back on earlier posts 2 yrs prior, nothing much has changed if at all.Should I pray to St.Jude? Find a wiccan to remove the Hex placed on me? Light black candles and incense? Maybe, some good ol' voodoo or modern day SSRI's or TCA's should do the trick.Seeing that self-determination and cognitive therapeutic methods of support have been unsuccessful. Fighting the invincible dragon without much of an armor,shield or sword. Ask anyone veteran, combat makes you exhausted, especially if you are on the losing team.You lose comrades and family along the way, not sure if its before or after motivation.Well everyone loves a good fight. People spend lunch money to see Bobby Joe get beaten up behind the park, or Mike Tyson give his famous knockout punch. So come on down folks,don't let this opportunity to see the train wreck collide.

Step right up, hurry, hurry before the show begins, my friends
Stand in line, get your tickets, I hope you will attend
It'll only cost you fifty cents to see
What life has done to those like you and me

See the man with the broken heart
You'll see that he is sad, he hurts so bad
(So bad, so bad)
See the girl who has lost the only love she ever had
There's got to be no sadder show to see
No doubt about it, satisfaction's guaranteed

So let the sideshow begin
Hurry, hurry, step right on in
Can't afford to pass it by
Guaranteed to make you cry

Let the sideshow begin (Hurry, hurry)
Hurry, hurry, step right on in
Can't afford to pass it by
Guaranteed to make you cry

See the man who's been cryin' for a million years
So many tears (So many tears)
See the girl who's collected broken hearts for souvenirs
It's more exciting than a one man band
The saddest little show in all the land

So let the sideshow begin (Hurry, hurry)
Hurry, hurry, step right on in
Can't afford to pass it by
Guaranteed to make you cry

-Sideshow,Blue Magic

so tired, tired of waiting...

... tired of waiting for you.

Conversation with a new friend goes:-
me: and we all know, its the emotions n what's in ur head that fucks u over
tm: not so much...
me: we want to care n be cared for
tm: simply cuz u care
tm: doesn't mean u have to be attached
tm: or expect something from the other person
me: this i am learning
me: no one wants to care with out nothing in return
me: unless u r my child
tm: noone wants it... more oftne than not, that's what we're given
me: its funny, b/c i tried explaing this partially to someone
me: that i care for them but they still read it as me wanting to be attached
tm: my status the other day was " TM is glad he's learned to care and not dwell, love but not committ, and cry without shedding tears."
me: i'm with u for the first two
tm interestingly enough... written after an argument w. bff
me: awwww
tm: lol... the last jus meant i was hurt
me: i need to figure out how to allow myself to be hurt n accept it
me: not needing to always make sense of it or dwell or get angry
tm: :|
me: i just have some hurts that i can't get over
tm: wtf is wrong wit you
me: ANGER
me: GRRRRRRR
me: >:o die mf's
tm: no i ask, cuz it's the same thing that's wrong with me
tm: typically... when i argue with someone i care about...

From the 5th storey

I am fighting really hard to remain alive.

Armamentarium:
- 10 Litres of tears
- Sleep aids
- 1 semi-best friend
- shitload of distractions
- High Caloric foods
- Sunlight
- Pitchers of alcohol or tokes of weed, cartons of cigarettes

Instructions:

1)Once depressed, call semi-friend and moan and weep.
2)After s/he is exhausted, go to your cabinet/stash and load up on food or alcohol
3)When feelings of belligerence set in, cry alot and attempt to go to sleep
4)When sleep fails, take sleep aids
5)Wake in the morning early, bask in the sunlight
6)Pretend to make it through the day with your several distractions
7)Repeat as needed

To all the men I'd love before...

Angry that I am so vulnerable, that I let you affect my emotional stability. Enraged that you were an authoritarian and stifled my ideas and esteem. Upset because you could not keep your promises to me,and something else was more important.

Disappointed in me, for letting the men in my life shape me into what they wanted or needed me to be - the fall-back woman,the crotch for you to fuck, obedient subservient daughter, passive-agressive and dependent.

Stuck in the middle

With a dry mouth and a racing heart, I strive to let you know how the very thought of you brings me to a complete shutdown. Brain cells cease to fire,my muscles cannot twitch.Interestingly, the brim of my lids are filled with salty secretions of tears.Some parts of me still work.

I'm obviously in limbo/purgatory. Stuck in a place above the dark hell of loneliness, but not quite at the bountiful joy that is companionship. I sell myself short every time, clutching at straws, grasping with the primitive palmar reaction.

I want to care for and be cared for.Simple human pleasures. Does being human give an excuse or make it OK to be the way you are- a tragic flaw. Can I convince you that you are making a mistake. Or do I need the convincing?

~~~~~

Friendship

I want this more than you do.

P is for pondering

Now,is it possible to live your whole live as a delusion? Yes. Is that the key to living, that "every little thing, is gonna be alright" or perhaps "everything happens for a reason." From the seemingly pointlessness of mosquitoes to the grandiose and vain idea of self-worth.

But what if you are not good at being delusional? And those times when everything seems so perfect and seems to make sense, are those moments of confusion? The people, who sit and gather daily with their ever so loving friends, who share with them their lives out of earnestness and not out of the fear of loneliness, is that too disillusionment. Or the married couple with children who have stop discovering each other and changing but somehow feel life is fulfilling and meaningful; do they not feel cheated?

I feel a sense of falsehood.Not that I am being fake, but partly so because there is so much about self and behavior I do not understand. I want to believe in those people that find their passion and true calling, who so freely say "this is what I was born for." Is life just about accepting what is there without probable explanation. Of course, the age old question never gets answered.

"Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion..."