Smile empty soul

I feel empty. I am looking for the place where the sun shines and I cannot find it. I am also bored. Bored with myself and all that I am.Up to this point in my life, I have not done something of significance. I got into dental school.whoop! I have not yet tattooed my whole being. whoop whoop!But there are marks on my soul. This intangible yet obviously heavy piece of shit I carry around all day. To be untouchable.

I have been using quite a few people for company, sex, free drinks. Anything to keep what is left of my diminishing sanity. When it rains, it pours. 40 days.40 nights. What a beautiful thing that may be.

All I have been really wanting to do, is either sunbathe in the nude on a white sand beach somewhere.Or to lay out on a grassy field in the warmth. There are no flora and fauna here ,except for the shitty Central Park.
I wish I had some passion or drive. But nothing matters, and we all know that. Except maybe music...and I will just throw family in there because it is the right thing to say. The thought of having my own has been hovering around like a goddamn dagger. Gnawing at my poor little fallopian tube, these suckers just wanna get out and live too. I keep telling them I am an unfit mother and the world is cruel. Everyone wants to go live their own life I suppose.

And where? Where is this person, with whom I will choose to create another being? I shudder...I pretty much figure he is either dead or not out there. When will I make any real friends? Create real memories. Speaking of create, I would like to make something using my hands, but class 3 amalgam preps are somehow not what I had in mind.
Did I mention I have been hating school, and falling in and out of love with far too many men. Nothing beats the shiver when you get close to that someone and kiss with eyes closed- the first time. Keeps us coming back? Just for the record, I am using the word love rather loosley...